ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
