I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
