My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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