Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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