Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
