Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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