Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
