oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
