if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Shame - the story of my life.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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