Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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