I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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