i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
