I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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