The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
