so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize