if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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