I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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