I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
