party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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