Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
