Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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