I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
