Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
