someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
