meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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