New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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