Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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