Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
