I accidentally burped into my bong.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
