No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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