I wish I could punch you in the face.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
