I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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