dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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