I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I cockslap morals
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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