I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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