just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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