Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
