you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
