I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
