Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
