i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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