from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
