the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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