Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
