When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
