we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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