WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
