i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
