I think my fart just growled at me.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize