This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
