Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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