The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
