it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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