stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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