your parents love me but you hate me
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
false alarm. still invincible.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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