4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I love you. Go after that dick
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
